Ash, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this, because before I leave this tournament in three days with your Pokemon league Championship, I have a lot of things I wanna get off my chest.

I don’t hate you, Ash. I don’t even dislike you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate… this idea… that you’re the best… because you’re not. I’m the best. I’m the best in the world. There’s one thing you’re better at than I am, and that’s kissing Professor Oak's ass. You’re as good at kissing Oak’s ass as Brock was. I don’t know if you’re as good as the viewer… She/he’s a pretty good ass-kisser… always was and still is. Oops… I’m breaking the fourth wall. [Gary waves to the camera.] I am the best… trainer… in the world. I’ve been the best ever since Day One when I walked into that laboratory, and I’ve been vilified and hated since that day because Squirtle saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That’s right, I’m a water-type person. You know who else was a water-type person? Misty… and she split, just like I’m splittin’, but the biggest difference between me and Misty is that I’m going to leave with the Pokemon league Championship.

I’ve grabbed so many of my dad's imaginary brass rings that it’s finally dawned on me that they’re just that. They’re completely imaginary. The only thing that’s real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost sixteen years, I’ve proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this stage, in the gyms, and even on commentary. Nobody can touch me. And yet, no matter how many times I prove it, I’m not on your lovely little collectors’ cups, I’m not on the cover of the video games, I’m barely promoted, I don’t get to be in movies, I’m not on any crappy show on Jubilife Tv, I’m not on the poster for the Elite Four, I’m not on the signature that’s produced at the start of the tournament. but the fact of the matter is I should be, and trust me, this isn’t sour grapes, but the fact that May is in the main event of Pokemania next year and I’m not makes me sick!

Oh hey, let me get something straight, those of you who are cheering me right now… you are just as big a part of me leaving as anyone else, because you’re the ones sipping out of those collector cups right now, you’re the ones that buy those programs that my face isn’t on the cover of, and then at five in the morning at the poke center, you try to shove it in my face thinking you can get an autograph and sell it on eBay because you’re too lazy to catch real Pokemon!

I’m leaving with the Pokemon league championship and hell, who knows, maybe I’ll go defend it in card battles or… maybe I’ll go to the Digital World… [Gary waves to the camera again] hey, Izzy, how you doing? The reason I’m leaving is you people, because after I’m gone you’re still going to pour money into this league —I’m just a spoke on the wheel —the wheel’s gonna keep turning. And I understand that… that Professor Oak's gonna hand out Pokemon despite himself… he’s a Pokemon professor who should be a Pokemon King… you know why he’s not a Pokemon King? It’s because he surrounds himself with glad-handing nonsensical douchebag yes-men like Mr. Mime, who’s gonna tell him everything he wants to hear… and I’d like to think that maybe this league will be better after my dad is dead, but the fact is it’s gonna get taken over by his idiotic assistant and her doofus husband and the rest of her stupid family.

Let me tell you a personal story about my father. You know we do this whole anti-Team Rocket campaign…**mic cuts off** (c). /wooo/